Tuesday Morning Football

The American football phenomenon is igniting a new cultural revolution in … oh, never mind. Suffering from NFL withdrawal, I’ve been stymied thus far while trying to figure out how to watch my Yangzhou YingYangs of the Couch Potato Fantasy Football League.

For some reason, it’s rare that one finds a sports bar over here, a Carolina Ale House. Even from me, yelling at a laptop while “watching” the Ravens and Jets this morning on the ESPN Gamecast — a screen with a football field graphic that shows what happens on every down, plus updated stats — doesn’t generate quite the same experience.

I ordered SatelliteDirect, a service that promised to provide access to thousands of television channels for $49.95, but couldn’t get it to work. Too good to be true, of course. My guess: an access issue here in China. Have asked for a refund through PayPal.

Something called Slingbox, which involves getting an actual box, might be an option for some, though from what I can tell, you need fast broadband access. For those fans outside the United States, the NFL offers a Game Pass video package of all its games this season for $279.99. Is it worth it? I’m still unsure about the access issue, and even if the games can be received here, the slow connection speeds may make for choppy viewing. A better bet might be the Field Pass audio package for $39.99, which gets you the live radio broadcasts for every team.

I’ll update this if I find out more. Meanwhile, GO, you damn little arrow thingy, churn up those on-screen yards!

Setting free my wind

The state of utter exhaustion that followed the third lesson provided more than enough evidence.

Of what?

Of the fact that I’ve got a better chance of co-starring as the love interest in Scarlett Johansson’s next film than I have of learning Chinese in 100 years, let alone one.

There was only one thing to do. I had to bring technology to bear. A little online research and a $134.94 PayPal payment later, help was on the way: the BBK AM103 Electronic English Chinese Talking Dictionary Translator for English Speaker. I was like Ralphie opening the Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

Oh, it was beautiful. Not much bigger than a Blackberry, it looks like a mini-laptop. Being a classy American boy, I entered my first English word for translation:

Fart.

放屁. Fàngpì.

Hmmm, interesting, but I needed to know more. I dug up an old book of my late father’s on the etymology on Chinese characters. He was studying the language when he was about my age. Upon being opened, the tome released its own stale scent.

Way beyond my intellect, this book, but I found a chapter that might help, “Lexicon by Order of Sounds.” Remember, the various Mandarin tones — four pitched tones and a “toneless” tone — give different meanings to words. This book listed more than a dozen fangs, but I needed one with the fourth tone. It was not difficult to find. Fàng — to let go, to loosen, to set free.

Good. So, after snarfing a meal of hot dogs and beans, I’m a great liberator.

Now for the second part, which proved more elusive. A long list of intriguing pi’s with the fourth tone, though none seemed to fit. One pi means “vulgar,” another “fragrant.” Appropriately, my dad used to think his silent-but-fatal emissions could be described as “fragrant,” an opinion not shared by his offspring. A pi with a different tone was defined as “the nose.”

I was about to give up when I noticed a column under the heading p’i. Don’t ask me why. One such “p’i” with the fourth tone was translated as “the posteriors, to break wind.”

I tried 放屁 on the MDGB Chinese-English translator site, and it came up as both “to fart” and “to talk nonsense.” I like to think I am equally capable of either form of expression.

However, I have settled on the concept of “setting free my wind,” an act of granting independence. I can thank Chinese culture for this wonderfully apt discovery on the weekend of July 4.